First Steps

I don’t feel like writing. All I want to do is rest and recover. Still, I want to say something during this moment of my life…

The summer of 2019 was dark. With each passing day, I watched my energy and enthusiasm drain from my body. The culprit was work. After a series of unfortunate events, poor managerial leadership, and bureaucracy—I found myself at the end of my proverbial rope. I gave the company everything I had, and in return they took it all away in the blink of an eye. Thank goodness I made a lot of friends, otherwise I would’ve had nothing.

I want to be honest about how losing a sense of purpose can lead to depression and burnout. Executive bureaucrats ravaged my close-knit community and scattered us to the winds. Over the summer I watched helplessly as incompetent leaders at every level made poor decisions—including my new boss (who lacked empathy and experience, ugh). And each week the company bled more of its best talent. It’s no surprise that company morale sank lower and lower with each foible and misstep. My friends were depressed. I was depressed. I wanted to help all the people in need around me, but it was all I could do to feel anything but apathy. Nihilism never felt more appropriate.

So, I listened to my heart, and it told me I was dying inside. I listened and decided to quit.

My last week at work was tough. I said goodbye to dozens upon dozens of close friends, and gave them what strength and positive inspiration I had left. But on my last day, as I made my quiet exit, I knew I was weary. When I got home, I lay on the couch and couldn’t move. I was physically done, my body spent. And for the next week, I lay in bed feeling sick. My immune system couldn’t fight it off, so I coughed and sneezed and wheezed.

But at least I was free.

Besides feeling sick, I’ve felt some relief. Energy and life purpose has begun to trickle slowly into my veins once more…but it’s going to be an evolving process. I don’t know what will happen, but I know that listening to my heart and my body will be essential to my recovery. I took a trip too, which helped a lot. I experienced great beauty and adventure in the Pacific Northwest:

I love nature! It’s a balm to any wound.

My road is just beginning, one that I hope to walk with old and new friends alike. For now, I’m telling myself to stay open and let life flow. It’ll all work out in the end.

-Bai